Diving Deep

Standing there, frozen in a moment, in a feeling I can hardly put into words. I can feel my veins. The blood pumping faster, warmer, harder. The intensity of welled up tears and the refusal to set them free. Because the moment I release them, it makes it all real. If I give them permission to run freely, these emotions are no longer just living inside me. Contained in the depths of this sorrow. An abyss of endless fears, thoughts... anguish. How is it this hard to breathe? The continuous intake of air remains stuck in my chest, in my heart. Like a bottle neck in traffic. Frozen in a moment.

The need for an exasperated cry intensifies. A cry you feel on the sides of your neck. On each temple. A momentary sharpness in your brain that forces your eyes shut. Finally making it clear that it isn't a nightmare. It isn't a dream your cries wake you from. It's real, raw... crippling.

Run, I whisper to myself. Run! The urgency intensifies along with every single other emotion. But nothing moves. The icy numbness makes an entrance into my awareness. The trembling. Wait! It isn't just my heart?! Run! My legs finally seem to respond, but the room spins. The room seems to darken. I gasp for air, for a fortifying feeling, something to anchor me, to ground me. I gasp again in despair. I am suddenly in the middle of an ocean, watching my survival attempts in slow motion. My arms, and legs fighting to find some sense of gravity.

It feels as though I am floating up the stairs, but I focus on each breath. Inhale. Exhale. I keep my eyes closed and just do my best to bring myself back. Inhale. Exhale... do not rely on your own understanding (Prov. 3:5). I keep repeating to myself. Inhale. Exhale. A jaded ego for my inability to stay poised, in "control." Inhale. My thoughts deceive me and for a moment I lose grip and the desperation creeps in once more. I shut my eyes tighter. Exhale. God Help Me. Inhale. Please. Exhale.

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If this has ever, been you... please receive this hug. Close your eyes and honor those feelings. Feel the Love and Light I am sending your way. That warmth, those goosebumps, that's it.

It's ok. THIS is OK. It too shall pass. Whether you are at the beginning of this journey or you have been trying to navigate this labyrinth for a while now. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN! You are stronger than you can concisely convince yourself of right now. You are not only going to survive, YOU, are going to THRIVE! And in doing so, you are going to connect with yourself, your essence, the purest form of you.

As I sit here and write these words, I am walking through this maze. I have finally learned to accept and allow these feelings to flow. Not to suppress them, not to fight them. For me, it walked together with fear. Fear of not understanding what was happening to me. How these emotions consumed me to the point that I would lose complete control of my body and my emotions. I think most important of all, the fear of not being able to face and accept it. I felt it at my core. That deep, undeniable knowing.

Words flow naturally; I trust this is the reason why. It is my wish to wholeheartedly convey the message I am being called to deliver. These words have not found you serendipitously.

With Love,

Juana